Cring! Cring! Cring! #phone rings#

“Hello! Chief Bolingo, good morning”

“Morning my man, are you still in bed?”

“Yes Chief, just had a discussion with my wife….”

“Oh! I see….bedroom talk abi? Okay, that aside, I hope you have not forgotten my aspiration for the seat of the president of this country”

“Nooo….I have not, But I’m sorry I have some sad news for you; my wife declared her intention to contest for the same position with you this morning so I….ehm…..you know……”

“What? Don’t tell me your wife’s honeypot has turned you into a Judas!”

“Not exactly Chief, but look at it from my perspective: If my wife becomes the President, I automatically become the First Gentleman, the first man to break the jinx of male chauvinism. As the First Gentleman, I will keep my job intact while I squander limitlessly the resources allotted to my office. As the First Gentleman, I will have myself propelled to become a Permanent Secretary of any Ministry of my choice with just a snap of the fingers. My friend Chief Bolingo, I will make you excessively rich even if you are importing toothpick alone because the cost of our feeding will run in billions”

“But I promised you would become a Minister now, I can give you two Ministerial portfolios if you want…”

“Ooh cut it out Chief, I have weighed all that and still found that it is still better to be the First Gentleman of the most populous black nation in the world. My face will hit all TV screens around the world, and think about you being seen along with me as we commission pet projects of First Ladies, or First Gentlemen in other states. Just think about it, the long chain of exotic cars escorting the First Gentleman anywhere in the world. If the First Ladies won’t include us in their summit, then we would launch the World Gentlemen’s Summit where crucial issues like the vulnerability of men and excessive alcoholism in men would be discussed. And Yes! We would run programmes for rural men and boys in the society”

Cring! Cring! Cring! #phone rings#

“Hello! Chief Bolingo, good morning”

“Morning my man, are you still in bed?”

“Yes Chief, just had a discussion with my wife….”

“Oh! I see….bedroom talk abi? Okay, that aside, I hope you have not forgotten my aspiration for the seat of the president of this country”

“Nooo….I have not, But I’m sorry I have some sad news for you; my wife declared her intention to contest for the same position with you this morning so I….ehm…..you know……”

“What? Don’t tell me your wife’s honeypot has turned you into a Judas!”

“Not exactly Chief, but look at it from my perspective: If my wife becomes the President, I automatically become the First Gentleman, the first man to break the jinx of male chauvinism. As the First Gentleman, I will keep my job intact while I squander limitlessly the resources allotted to my office. As the First Gentleman, I will have myself propelled to become a Permanent Secretary of any Ministry of my choice with just a snap of the fingers. My friend Chief Bolingo, I will make you excessively rich even if you are importing toothpick alone because the cost of our feeding will run in billions”

“But I promised you would become a Minister now, I can give you two Ministerial portfolios if you want…”

“Ooh cut it out Chief, I have weighed all that and still found that it is still better to be the First Gentleman of the most populous black nation in the world. My face will hit all TV screens around the world, and think about you being seen along with me as we commission pet projects of First Ladies, or First Gentlemen in other states. Just think about it, the long chain of exotic cars escorting the First Gentleman anywhere in the world. If the First Ladies won’t include us in their summit, then we would launch the World Gentlemen’s Summit where crucial issues like the vulnerability of men and excessive alcoholism in men would be discussed. And Yes! We would run programmes for rural men and boys in the society”

“You are mad! You don’t know women can be such traitors….”

“Are men any different? Please…keep that sermon to yourself. I am the man. I am in charge, even in the room, I remain on top so I get to decide how the game will be run. I will ensure you get a Ministerial Slot, and if there is none available, we will create another one and probably name it MINISTRY FOR MEN AFFAIRS. We shall even erect a magnificent First Gentlemen Peace Mission House that should gulp ten billion Naira and you, my good friend, will handle the contract. Chief Bolingo, I am tired of monkey dey work, baboon dey chop o! Make baboon work and monkey chop too na?”

“My friend, do you know that if your wife wins she would like to contest for another term…and that is not good for men like us?”

“Of course! But who cares? Infact, that would be one of my main agenda as the First Gentleman; to start campaigning vigorously for my wife’s second term in the first year of her first tenure in office. In addition, I will start tree planting campaigns and other ostensible projects. Lest I forget, I will collaborate with one of those universities to establish and Institute for Gender Studies so that the academia will also benefit from my generosity since I am too old to go to school. Vacations! Chai! I can’t forget that one o! My friend! We will tour the finest cities in the world. And when I… ,I mean if I ever get sick, I will fly to Germany so that even when I eventually die, I shall be resurrected after seven days… I hear they do that magic”

“I still can’t believe you are talking in such a puerile manner. I thought we had an agreement earlier?”

“I thought so too Chief, until my wife opened my eyes to the gains of being a First Gentleman….kai! I think it is better than being three Ministers at the same time; I do nothing yet I have an elaborate building as an office with more than 300 staff at my whim, what more can I ask for? I don’t account for the billions allotted to my office. The best part is that I have foreign diplomats, representatives of multinational companies, Senators, Ministers, Governors and other wealthy people scrubbing my feet to gain favour from my wife. They know that I am the first and last person she sees everyday and her ultimate chief adviser”

“But my wife too wants to become a First Lady and you know it!”

“Forget her, can she manipulate you the way I can manipulate my wife? Do you think that if things turn sore, or if that revolution occurs, she will ever land in jail? Shun all that and join the league of the First Gentlemen, de facto leaders of the country. Even when you launder money, my office or my wife’s office will cover you. There is nothing to fear man”

“Oh…you are so insensible, unmanly and greedy”

“And so are you Chief Bolingo. You are everything but not a gentleman. I am sorry for turning you down but I can’t give up the luxurious opportunity of being the First Gentleman for anything, not even a Vice President”

“Traitor! Betrayer of men……I will make sure I find something to pin you down in jail when I become the president!”

“That will be if my wife doesn’t become the president, but if she wins, as a gentleman, I mean the First Gentleman, I will not kill you but I will convince my wife to release those financial crimes dogs to bite the hell out of you”

“Are you threatening me now?”

“I thought you were the one threatening me Bolingo because I want to be the First Gentleman”
“So what do you want me to do now?”
“Good question. Simple. Just vote for my wife so that I will become the First Gentleman, and every other thing will take shape from there”
“Mtcheeeewww” #hisses# “Nonesense” Brap! #hangs up the phone#

count | 36

Vote for my wife; I want to become the first gentleman – A satirical piece by Bizum Yadok